Bryche Harper in Philly? A $330m Misfit.

Bryce "I Tricked a Club into Thinking I'm Worth $0.3 Billion" Harper.
Bryce "I Tricked a Club into Thinking I'm Worth $0.3 Billion" Harper.
Bryce “I Tricked a Club into Thinking I’m Worth $0.3 Billion” Harper.

The Phillies just spent a record amount of money on a guy who fits into their city like (excuse my French) the proverbial turd in a punch bowl. Granted, this turd is a big muscly turd, with magnificent hair and the ability to hit home runs, but still! It just doesn’t work!

In case you’ve been living under a rock the last few days, I’m referring to the Phillies signing Bryce Harper for $330 million for 10 years. Or maybe it’s 11 or 12 years. Either way, unless Harper is immortal like a vampire, and it’s for 1,000 years, it’s a ridiculous amount of money.

Win This Sweepstakes, Pay $0.3 Billion!

This deal has been rumored and analyzed to death lately, so I don’t want to beat a dead horse when it comes to talking about how the Phillies “won the Harper sweepstakes.” (How are you the “winner” when you agree to shell out a third of a billion dollars? But that’s a question for another day. For more reading on ridiculous free agency deals, you can see chops316’s article here on Scorum.)

Regardless of whether the Phillies out-foxed other teams pursuing him, I propose to you that Bryce Harper does not belong in Philadelphia. This isn’t anything personal against Harper (though I think he’s a tool and I am admittedly jealous of his prettyboy/Viking-warrior-lord hair) or against the Phillies. Rather, it’s just a neutral, outside observer, shaking his head in confusion at the deal.

Consider for a moment not just the Phillies, but their home, the “City of Animal Husbandry” (oh wait, sorry, that’s Anywhere, Nebraska); I meant the “City of Brotherly Love.” Is that a city that should be home to an acclaimed gorgeous outfielder who looks like he should be endorsed by Pantene Pro-V and Maybelline (you know his eye black looked too good to be true!)

This is the city that inspired the show, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”. Can you see Bryce Harper doing a cameo on that show? No! It would be a cold day in you know where when that would happen.

Danny ‘Definitely Not Bryce Harper’ Devito. Source: Wikimedia Commons

Think about Rocky, the unofficial movie star/athlete mascot for Philadelphia. The city loves the guy that gets pummeled but keeps on fighting. The uglier he gets, the more they like him!

This doesn’t jive with Harper and his dugout ritual of brushing his hair 100 strokes before taking the field for warm ups.

Would Bryce Harper wear a latex dog mask?

And how about the recent Eagles squad, the team that brought home Philly’s first Super Bowl trophy only two years ago? They owned their success as “underdogs” as the season went on by putting latex dog masks over their heads.

Remember that? They literally covered their faces to celebrate. Maybe I’m misjudging Harper, but I imagine if anyone tried to put a dog mask over his face, Harper would freak, saying, “Brah! Brah! Watch the hair!”

The Eagles were led by Nick Foles. From what I know of Nick Foles, he seems very likable, but he’s not exactly your typical superstar. He was a quarterback that almost no team wanted, a guy that would blend in both in the bleachers of a little league game as Just Another Dad, or at Comic Con as Random Guy Cosplaying as Napoleon Dynamite.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. I don’t see how Harper fits into the quirky haven that is Philadelphia. (Imagine if an eager fan offered to buy Harper a Philly cheese steak: “No thanks, Brah, too much white bread. Low-carb lifestyle!”

On the other hand …

Maybe I’m not giving Harper enough credit. I’m just having a hard time getting past 1/3 of a billion dollars for a guy who batted under .300 last year. But de does work hard, and he makes some nice defensive plays. To be fair, if he leads the Phillies to a World Series next season and is crowned the MVP, I’ll print this column out and eat it. And donate hair grooming products to my local homeless shelter.

And there are some ways Harper could fit in with Philly. A lot of athletes get into media after their career’s over. Harper could spend his summers freelancing for Philly Mag, digging into the city’s workings to bring some real, valuable journalism to light, like this story.

Also, Harper could be a keynote speaker at Philly’s convention center. Like a TED Talk, you ask?

Ha, ha! Heck no! Remember Harper’s eloquent words after winning the Home Run Derby? “Let’s go! Nats baseball! Frickin’ Nats baseball! (thoughtful pause) Let’s go!” (I’m slightly paraphrasing, but I’ve captured the element of what he said.) Although, truth be told, TED talks are often given by total tools, so maybe Harper would be a good fit.

The conference I’m referring to here is the Great Clips 2019 Northeastern Zone 2019 Meeting, which will be held this year at the Philadelphia. The event will be Sept. 8. The Phillies are supposed to face the Mets on the road that day, but don’t be surprised if Harper is on the so-called “disabled list” that day.

Lebron James’ move to LA was attributed at least partly to his role in show business. Maybe Harper’s thinking the same thing. Harper could star alongside Nicolas Cage in another addition to the “National Treasure” franchise, embarking on a quest through his new hometown’s historical setting in “National Treasure: The Search for Thomas Jefferson’s Hairbrush”.

Asked if rejuvenating his career with another ‘National Treasure’ film based in Philly would be worth shooting a movie with Bryce Harper, Nicolas Cage’s brain just … stopped. Source: Wikimedia commons.

What do you think? Am I crazy for thinking Harper’s a misfit in Philly? Is there any way to justify spending the GDP of a small nation on a guy who swings for the fences but misses more than 70 percent of the time?

Could be. Maybe he’s worth it, a real once-in-a-lifetime natural. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

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